Have you ever wondered what going to rehab would be like?? Inpatient rehab, that is.  Imagine any episode of a reality TV show or Real Housewives but coed, supervised 24/7, no alcohol, no powder up your nose, No phones and no tv. Yeah that pretty much sums up my first few days.

I knew I had a drinking problem, that was a no brainer, but me ACTUALLY checking into an ACTUAL rehab…that wasn’t something I never saw in my future.

Throw in stress, anxiety, depression and the desire to never talk to/run into certain people again- it was a downward spiral. Everyday was groundhog day. It was me not wanting to do anything except ignore everyone and all my problems all while wishing to be “normal”.

I could wake up every day at 5am sharp, get dressed, get my hair and makeup perfect and show up to work.  It was my routine. I’d go buy wine just to get me through the day without having to deal. Just one sip per hour to not have a seizure. I wasn’t drinking to get drunk.  I was drinking to maintain. I was drinking in hopes I wouldn’t die.

That’s not normal, yet that’s where I was. I can make a twenty page list of all the wrongs that have been done to me, but in the end, it was myself that brought me to that point.  It was also me that brought me through the doors of rehab that day.

The entire car ride there I realized I wasn’t afraid to stop drinking so much as I was afraid of having another seizure. I was also scared of what kind of weird shit was about to happen once my family left and I was on my own with a bunch of strangers. I can get along with people but I never want to talk about my feelings. Most of all, I don’t do well with authority.

Things were going to have to change.