Everyday Mikaela

A small sense of relief

Pregnancy… what a whirlwind! It’s been a long ass winding road getting here. I’m finally 25 weeks and it’s felt like 50. This is the furthest I’ve made it and I am just so excited to get to this day.

I lost my last baby at 21 weeks and the one before that at 20. To say that the 20 week mark makes me scared is an understatement! I have been anxious, sad, emotional, moody and just plain mean. I’ve been snappy with my fiance and I forget that he is going through this with me. Yes, it’s happening to my body, but he is emotionally and mentally invested too. The miscarriages happened to him too. I felt sort of a sense of entitlement to the grief I was going through and it took me a really long time to realize he was grieving also. After the miscarriages, I lost my mind and didn’t talk about anything. “I’m okay” or “I’m always gonna be okay” is all I ever said. I took all of my pain, crumbled it up inside and lashed out at everyone around me. After some time he said, “I didn’t just lose our baby, I lost you too.” And it wasn’t until I heard those words out loud, that it finally hit me. He needed me to be present at that moment, and I had just checked out.

So here we are. I still find it hard to get excited about being pregnant again. I often find myself thinking back to that day when everything was fine and out of nowhere, my water broke 19 weeks early. Pregnancy after loss is just about the hardest thing I’ve been through. I remember hearing that and not getting it. Now it makes perfect sense. Everyday of this pregnancy I live I fear. We’ve had to see the high risk Dr.’s in San Francisco weekly for cervical length checks. I’ve been put on meds starting at 16 weeks through week 36. If someone asks me about a baby shower, I say that I’m not sure if I’m having one. But that’s fear talking, and I don’t want to live there anymore.

So, on Wednesdays we say Happy X# of weeks. We’re going through this together- as a family. I’m so glad that I realized that, so we could be where we are now. Feeling kicks everyday definitely brings a sense of relief. I’m able to tell that everything is still okay. Baby’s just doing flips and beating me up from the inside. Every Wednesday that comes is an accomplishment! This morning, I rolled over as I woke up and let out a squeal of excitement! I know I still have a ways to go, but making it this far is something I have been praying for.

The shit they don’t tell you…

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but here I am. Pregnancy is such a beautiful thing, it really is. It’s really amazing what the female body can do. The changes my body has already made to accommodate this growing life is mind blowing & I haven’t even experienced the best part. To be honest, that’s the only thing that really has me scared. You know, the part where I actually have to HAVE the baby. I don’t know how to prepare for that. What I do know is that my body was designed to do this and it will be a beautiful experience. I think it has a lot to do with mindset, but my mind isn’t feeling too good about it yet. I’ll see soon enough.

Let me tell you what I wasn’t prepared for. All the things people forget to mention; how is there not a book about that? It’s not that they are unmanageable, I just wasn’t aware! I’ve heard all about the blessings, the food, the glowing, the great hair & nails, the foot massages you bribe your partner for, but no one told me about the crazy. I didn’t know I wouldn’t sleep for most of my pregnancy. I thought I’d be so exhausted I’d fall straight asleep. HA! If I get three hours or even two, it’s considered a win. I wake up to pee probably every 30 minutes and eventually I’m awake for the day. It’s awful. What about the constipation? Why didn’t anyone talk about that? I will say, I never got morning sickness, so that’s a plus. What I did get was pure exhaustion from doing absolutely nothing. Why am I breathing so heavy after walking up one flight of stairs? Is that a random hair growing on my face? I heard there would be glowing? Where’s the glowing? My feet have started to hurt and swell. Getting shoes on my feet is funny and frustrating at the same time. The jokes are getting out of hand. I threw my socks in the garbage one day… at least that’s what I was told. I’m supposed to sleep on my right side? I keep waking up on the left side. I can smell things a mile away. Usually it’s a really good smell like food but the days where everything smells like dog shit are the worst. The kicks actually start to hurt at some point. Why do I cry watching tv when I never cared before? But the ultimate kick in the face is thing that blows my mind is how people love to share their horror stories with me. Are you trying to freak me out? Why!

Theres so much going on inside and out during these ten months. I am forever grateful that I was given another chance to carry a child but I think more women should be aware of the unknown. For example, if I would have known that pelvic pressure and not being able to catch a breath was a normal thing, I may have been less concerned every day.

So ladies, tell your pregnant friends about the ups AND downs of pregnancy. Prepare them for good and bad (but bearable) symptoms to keep them informed. Just keep the horror stories to yourself. It’s better to be aware of what to expect rather than to freak out over something thats 100% a normal part of pregnancy.

Crockpot White Chicken Chili

I already have a recipe for white chicken chili on the Eats page, but this one is made in the crockpot. The crockpot saves me so much time where I would normally be standing in the kitchen stirring something. Plus, when it starts to get cold out, who doesn’t like a good meal made in a crockpot? It’s obviously easier time wise but also the ingredients are a little different.

Ingredients:

Boneless/skinless chicken breasts

1 can of corn rinsed & drained

1 can of white beans rinsed & drained

1 can of chicken broth (I use low sodium)

1 can of diced or chopped green chilis

1 tbsp of each:

chili powder

cumin

onion/garlic powder

cajun seasoning (I used 2tbsp)

cayenne pepper- to YOUR preference

salt/pepper- to taste

Directions:

Add chicken to the bottom of the crockpot followed by everything else listed above. Cook on low for 4 hours. After 4 hours, I pull the chicken out & shred it with a hand mixer. Then I add it back to the pot, stirring everything together. I taste it at this point and add more spices if I feel it’s needed.

This is when I mix together some heavy cream and cornstarch. I use about 1Tbsp of cornstarch to 1/3cup of cream. Mix it in a small bowl separately, then add it to the hot soup while stirring it for about a minute. Cover it again and let it continue to cook on low for about 30 mins to an hour as needed for the veggies to be soft.

When it’s done, I usually top mine with some shredded cheese, avocado, cilantro, sour cream and a little squeeze of a lime wedge. If you need a crunch factor add some tortilla chips.

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